1.) Dressing my baby is like dressing a misshapen, wooden plank. Perfectly relaxed and malleable for the last three hours, but unsnap a single button and she tenses up like rigamortis set in. Good luck pulling that ninety degree angled elbow through a thin, cylinder shaped sleeve.
2.) Poop can be expelled with astonishing trajectory. Good thing this only happens at 3:45 AM when my mind isn’t quick enough to tell my body to move out of the way. It’s like taking a bath in soggy, mustard colored corn flakes.
3.) Speaking of poop… babies poop as soon as you change their diaper. After painstakingly cleaning every crevice of my child and finagling her rigid limbs back into her third day in-a-row pajamas, she simply fills those diapers up for round two.
4.) I would like to murder all the people who create baby clothes. Seriously? 12-15 buttons on every piece of clothing? With the way my daughter squirms, trying to button your stupid snaps is like playing darts on a sailboat. Not only that, but every one of you decided to place your buttons in completely different patterns. If it takes an instruction manual to put on your line of clothing, I hate you.
5.) My sleep is very important, but my child doesn’t give a crap about that. Maybe those Vitamin-D drops contain a full dose of “Never Go To Sleep, So Daddy has to Stay Up With You” serum. And just when I think she is ready to dose off, I lay her down and you would have thought I laid in her in a pile of bees. TempurPedic should create a line of bedding called Daddy’s Tired Arms.
6.) Leaving the house takes anywhere from 45 minutes to 30 hours. I thought waiting on my wife to get her make up done was going to be the death of me, but alas, the baby wins again! My daughter has more accessories than Elton John and Lady Gaga combined (which when combined makes Elton Gaga). I used to be able to simply walk to my car and drive away, but now I run the equivalent of a 5K each time I want to go to Target.
7.) Going back to work means answering the same three questions over and over again. How’s your wife doing? She’s fine. How’s the baby doing? She’s fine. Are you getting any sleep? No, you idiot.
8.) Farting and burping are worthy of celebration. When my baby burps after feeding, you would have thought she cured cancer. We basically organize a parade in the neighborhood each time gas is expelled.
9.) Baby books are horribly stupid. In fact, I am going to write a baby book right now….in front of your eyes. Ready…..let’s go. Cats say meow. Some cats are black and some are brown. Do you like cats? Smile for the cat. Now smile at Daddy. BOOM! Bestseller.
10.) I couldn’t have done it without my friends and family. I am only writing this one because in order for a blog to go viral, it must contain at least one bullet point that has a serious tone. This bullet point must be at the very end in order to drive home an emotional connection. So….friends and family are vitally important to surviving the first two weeks. Here’s a freaking tissue. Stop your crying.
Quote of the Week:
“I feel like I’m her personal cow.”- My wife after feeding my daughter.