Question: What is a house?
A.) A place where a person live
B.) A gathering place for families
C.) A multi-roomed, killer of infants
If you answered C, you must have gone through the most recent Infant Safety Class!
Designed as a way to educate parents on common safety issues related to infants, this class should be called “Congratulations Idiot, Your House Is An Infant Death Trap”. Although I’ve learned to navigate the clear safety hazards of my home with ease, my infant must be protected from its imminent doom, and it is my job to ensure success. Here are some things I learned:
1.) If your television has cords, you must get rid of them. Hmmmmmm….I’m not the Best Buy Employee of the Month, but I’m pretty confident that if I get rid of the cords, the TV won’t work. Sorry kid, but I need my Netflix.
2.) Move harsh chemicals out from under your kitchen sink and put them somewhere else. So instead of quickly killing my daughter with chemicals, I will slowly kill her through bacterial growth on my counters, because I forget where I put the cleaners.
3.) Don’t put anything in the crib that is made of soft material. So basically, 80% of what they sell at BabiesRUs is not meant to be near my child.
4.) Infant chest compressions should be done with two fingers instead of your whole hand. This isn’t too hard unless your fingers are different lengths, like most normal human beings. Five chest compressions and your knuckles cramp up like you just got done bowling.
5.) If your child starts choking, you must act quickly and calmly, slamming your hand against their shoulder blades. I once witnessed a friend perform this maneuver on her choking child and I immediately broke out into full body sweat. If my child starts choking, there is a large possibility I will just curl up into a ball and wait until a brave person shows up.
6.) All outlets should be covered and cords should be out of reach. Similar to the television, most of my lamps will no longer operate without their cords, so it looks like we’ll be raising this kid in the dark.
7.) When performing CPR on a fake baby that is not breathing, make sure their plastic tube is connected to their fake lung or you won’t be able to see their chest rising. Seriously, it doesn’t matter how hard you breathe. In addition, your unproductive, gale force wind breathing will make the rest of the class uncomfortable.
8.) Your car seat is designed to protect your child, assuming you installed it correctly. Based on this class, however, I have about a 1in 7300 chance of not screwing up the installation. Not only that, but I must remember to remove all of the unsafe parts that the car seat manufacturer forgot to mention when they were marketing their death seat to me through direct mail.
9.) Do not put mesh bumpers in the crib where your child sleeps. However, the child is free to sleep in the Pack and Play which is lined with….mesh.
My kid is totally screwed.